This came through my feed today. It made me laugh. But also... it's true. A friend said the same meme had been made about Louisiana. I'm sure it's been made about loads of states, probably even some where they think the sun is out to kill them, but they really have no idea. It's hot in the states. It's hot in the south. The deeper south you go, obviously the hotter it becomes as we're nearing the equator. An old priest of ours was asked if it really was hotter here than in Ireland. He practically guttered out hot dust in response. "Yeah." Going on to state they could just stick drinks in the ground and they'd stay cool, there was no need for ice. Here, he couldn't get enough ice quick enough into his system. I relate that because I have never ventured across any ocean and have never set foot in Europe (whether Europe proper; The Continent, or nations nearby like the UK). Though I have known several southerners who have been there and several Europeans who've wound up here. It's fucking hot here. I'm not surprised since Europe is way above New York and I'm stuck down here two hours from The Gulf of Mexico. Friends from Germany related that it was exceedingly hot here, hard to breathe and just oppressive. They complained that this town wasn't outfitted for walking, but then conceded that it was probably too hot to walk. It's true though, most of the south, isn't walking friendly. Because people don't walk. Because they'll likely die in about ten minutes. In the summer that is. Except summer here starts about April and doesn't end until Christmas. That's if we're lucky. Lots of years it's 80-something on Christmas Day. That's a lot of months of heat. People in the northern states say we're wasting our time with air conditioning and wonder why we don't want Daylight Savings. Because it's hotter than the surface of the sun. The sun is out to get us here. July generally starts the worst months with 90 - 99 degree weather with a heat index of 100 - 110 with 80 - 100% humidity. Prior to that it'll be 80 - 90 degree weather with 50 - 80% humidity. People don't seem to understand humidity. They wave it off with indifference. The people out west scoff at heat index of 100 - 110, when they're actual temperature is that or slightly greater. However, I have been out west. It's hot. I won't deny it. However, I found relief in the shade. Their humidity is 20% or below with those temperatures. They don't really have humidity. So, it's a dry heat and there are breezes. People in the north complain about cold with plummeting temperatures of single digits or negative digits, however their humidity is zero to none. 20% or less in the winter. We might be at 40 degrees but with a 60% humidity. What they don't understand is that instead of a slightly damp cold, or even a dry cold like out west, this makes a person feel like they soaked themselves in water and then stepped into a freezer. The humidity makes the cold seep down into your bones and it's hard to shake it. So, the humidity makes it feel colder than it is, and like you're sopping wet. The humidity works the same with heat. Out west it's just dry and hot. Your hair is perfect and your body craves water and moisture. Here there is no breeze and if there is it's sticky and hot. The humidity clings to your lungs and makes breathing more difficult. It's like being submerged in warm pudding for nine months of the year. It's harder to cut though air that's so saturated with moisture and warm moisture at that. Everything is sticky. Your lungs feel sticky. It's sticky to wade through all that warm pudding air just to walk a few paces. You really can't move as freely as out west or up north. The further on in summer it gets, the pudding becomes stickier and with the increasing humidity you feel like you also have a heavy wool blanket that's just come out of the dryer, but is still quite damp draped over your head. Try that some time. Take a a heavy wool blanket and get it wet. Slightly dry it to where it's still pretty damp but also really hot. Put that over your head and try to deal with that. Try walking with that. This is why people don't walk unless they have to and why we don't want more daylight than is normal and why we desperately crave ice and air conditioning. And why I absolutely abhor the weather here during the extra long summer months. A Scandinavian family might have suffered from heat exhaustion in New Orleans because they didn't understand the weather. They were very white people afflicted with flushness from the heat, speaking to themselves in cloying sticky voices in their native language; of which I knew its origin, but couldn't pin point it. Really they almost reminded me of pale hot dogs on a grill ready to burst open at any moment. They were in the shade of trees along the River Walk. They probably thought that a cool breeze would come up off the Mississippi and give them some sort of reprieve. What they got was hot sticky breezes from the river doing nothing to cool them down. This is why I somewhat half joke that my parents stole me from the Arctic Circle. While I am a white girl, I really am not in the way that I look. Perhaps it's because I am more of a Heinz - 75 than most other Americans (and certainly that of Europeans), but I don't look like your typical white girl in body, shape, or colouring. So, I of course looked nothing like those Scandinavians all pale with fair hair and tall bodies. I also know that my parents haven't been anywhere really. But, while I was darker and more educated in the ways of the weather, I totally understood those Scandinavians in that moment. I was red in the face and sweating profusely. It's like this wasn't the weather I was born and raised in. It has nothing to do with my weight because other southern people who are big (some even bigger than myself) will be hot, but they can totally handle this sticky goop weather. They're used to it. I've never acclimated to it. Not even as a small child who wasn't a big girl. Even the other people I was with, all southerners, weren't greatly affected by the volatile August weather. Come on, y'all! Even New Orleans' know to vacate the city in August. It's so hot and gross and swampy that it was always the month in which diseases and fevers would spread at epidemic rates. And some of my fellow travelers were sexagenarians and two were overweight. Did they care? Not at all. They were just slightly warm and slightly uncomfortable. Pssh! The weather here has never set well with me. Ever. The hot weather that is. I dream of cold and rain and mountains and of snow. Constantly. I've yet to find a southerner who also dreams of these things. They'll complain about the heat, but secretly love it because they absolutely detest rain, snow, and the cold, so would rather have the heat over the other, in my opinion, far lovelier things. I'm constantly reminded of this comic by The Awkward Yeti. On a near daily basis I'll mutter, "Too hot, sun... too hot!" because it honestly feels like the sun is all happy and coming in low for a hug.
And I know I'm the odd southerner out because I'll answer people's questions honestly, and southerners love to talk, so I'll get "All this cold huh, eh, I hate it. What about you?" They're expecting me to agree with them, only I say, "Oh! I LOVE it! It's perfect!" and I'm practically clasping my hands at my breasts and batting my eye lashes with doe eyes over how wonderful I find the weather. They stare at me like I've grown a second head or some horns. This is either followed by, "Really? Well..." and they don't know what else to say or else by "Where are you from?" or "You're not from around here are ya?" I pretty much want to answer that no, I am not from around here, but I pretty much am. They'll complain about all the rain we've had and I'll give the same response, gushing over all the wonderful rain while they wish they could back away from the apparent abomination in their midsts. I wonder if they're thinking, "Is she a yankee?" No, because apparently northerners aren't too keen on winter either. Would you even believe that I've had people ask if I was from Europe before? I laugh and exclaim, "I wish!" before proceeding to tell them that I really am one of them. A fellow southerner from right here in this very town. They eye me with suspicion like I'm lying to them. I would bet the left side of my body that no European would assume that I'm from their region. They'd know straight away from my accent and voice that I was from America. Most of the time though these southerners just assume I'm a yankee or from out west. Once from Canada though and that was nice. I'd be Canadian. But really? Five times I was asked if I was from Europe. I'm assuming these people have never met a Canadian or European, much less heard what they sound like. I'm pretty certain that I'm a lot twangier than either groups of people. I'm sure I'm twangier than people from the north or the west too for that matter. Though apparently I'm not twangy enough to be from 'round these here parts. Plus the fact that these southerners just lump all of Europe together as one person when they're all very different peoples with different accents and languages. They get scared if my answer will be that 'yes, I am from Europe', but it's less treacherous that the dreaded west or those damned yankees apparently. These people are hilarious. But yes, the sun is out to kill us all here and I seem to be the only person residing here, that I know of, that truly understands what that really means. Besides people from Canada and Europe who have been here for whatever reason.
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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