So... today's been a weird day. See that guy up there? That's my older brother. Who's been dead these past 12 years. Yet, for some reason he's showing up in my life today all over the place and I'm unsure as to why. It's 15. May today. There's nothing significant about this date in reference to him that I know of. It is close to my paternal grandmothers birthdate in a few days. Dad was and still is super torn up over Rusty's death, and he's still grieving his mother's death since that was fairly recent... so perhaps he's just thinking really hard about him and... I don't know, it's shifting things in the Universe or something?
That's really the best I've got at an explanation at the moment. Unless something happened to Aunt Jan or his son, which I certainly hope not, then I'm not sure why he's all up in my life today. It feels like he's here. Shaking his head at me with his face covered with one hand, wondering why I'm so weird. Writing yet another blog post about him or listening to AC/DC and Ratt. It makes me laugh and feel comforted, regardless of whether or not his ghost is actually peering over my shoulder right now. If it wasn't a Rusty-centric day, there wouldn't be this post. Also, the music's on shuffle and these fit better than ABBA or The Partridge Family. Which I can "hear" him mocking me for taste in music now. Anyways. So, his death was tragic for all of us and we still haven't gotten over it. I'll spare the details, but it was sudden and he was the age I am now; 37. And hence why at this blog and my previous one, there have been about 5 or 6 posts about him. I'm still sorting it out; all this grief. But, onto today. So, I had an extremely early dental appointment this morning, so I was up at 7.30 and was looking through my 'On This Day' thing over at Facebook. That picture up there was in the list from a few years ago. 'Oh!... Hi, Rusty...' I said as I stared at the photo and missed him before scrolling through the rest of the items. I wasn't expecting any photo of Rusty to show up in that today thing, but I didn't pay it any mind. It was unexpected, but it didn't seem out of place and I didn't think any more on it. Mainly because I didn't want to become verklempt. So, out of mind and off to my appointment. Afterwards I'm standing at the office window to get another appointment next month and the lady asked how my sister was doing because they hadn't seen her in awhile. Then a few breaths later, "Didn't y'all have a brother?" My eyes grew large and I didn't know how to answer. My mind was reeling with 'What... the... fuck...?!?' After a bit I sputtered out a reply of, "Yeah... he never visited here, but yes... we had a brother." You could see the look all over her face after that, while she was trying to busy herself with my appointment; wondering how the hell she even knew we had a brother. Wondering why she'd even asked. It definitely wasn't an 'Oh... she said had, why did I ask' but a 'wait... I didn't know they had a brother... why did I ask that?' There's no way she'd know of him. He left home in 1992 and never lived here again. We didn't visit this clinic until about ten years after that. Which also brings me to the third point, as things always seem to come in three's. When he left home, his vehicle was a white (late 80's) Chevy Chevette. I saw one in front of us on the drive home later from running some errands. Perhaps, they are common where you live reader, but I haven't seen one since the one he drove. I have no idea why the receptionist felt the need to mention him, especially since it was clear as day she didn't know why she'd asked and didn't know anything about a brother. I think that's the weirdest thing. It's certainly the most unexplained. Makes me feel like he wants me to know something. Perhaps he doesn't. But if he does? What? What could it possibly be? Lots of thoughts on what it could be are zooming around my brain, but they're all being batted away like they're not the answer, but I don't know if that's because I don't want them to be the answer or if they really just aren't. Does he want me to not be sad? Seems weird as I hadn't really been thinking about him and was only sad when I was slammed with him this morning. But, isn't that normal for everyone really? Sometimes I'm sad and other times happy when I randomly see a picture of him or think of him, but these are not everyday occurrences in the least. Is someone going to die? The Sister's felt that she'll go next because that's just the weird order of things, so she says. Dad's old and everyone I know's dad's are all dying... is it him? Is it, like I said, Jan or his son? But, it feels personal. Like this was only for me. It doesn't feel like any of them are in danger of death yet... but somehow it feels like death. Not in the symbolism, just a feeling. Like it's me. It could be a normal life death that you go through, ya know moving out of one stage and into another. Am I just moving forward into a new stage? After he died and I had this eerie feeling that I wouldn't make it out of my 37th year. Obviously I have no idea if that's how life will play out for me or not. But part of me is batting this away. I think it's a life death that's happening and somehow he's saying it's OK. This week I've felt like something big is coming up. Not bad, but some big shift in my life. I'm all, "I'm ready! Let's do this!", but I'm also a little scared, because well... it feels big. Though I'm fairly certain that when that door does open I'll be leaping through it without looking back. So, I'm not feeling anything really holding me back. Is that what today is about? Is he just saying, "Yeah, you got this. It's cool."... which is not how he'd say it, just what he would mean. It'd be more like, "Wooooah! Yeah, weird stuff. Better hurry." with that crazy, mischievous grin of his. But in everyday terms it's that first sentencing up there. Or is he not saying anything at all? But between you and I, reader, I think he is. But mainly he's just standing here making fun of me. And today's already starting to turn back around because of his older brotherly mockery.
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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