I've been listening to this certain song a lot recently, and as most songs do with people, it speaks to me in a way. It seems like me. And it made me think of an incident which happened a few days ago. She's a little lost girl in her own little world She looks so happy but seems so sad ah ah oh yea oh oh oh yea She's a little lost girl in her own little world I'd like to help her I'd like to try ah ah oh yea oh oh oh yea She talks to birds she talks to angels She talks to trees she talks to bees She don't talk to me Talks to the rainbows and to the seas She talks to trees She don't talk to me Don't talk to me... Ya know she drives me outta my mind Ya know she drives me outta my head She talks to birds she talks to angels She talks to trees she talks to bees She don't talk to me Talks to the rainbows and to the seas She talks to trees She don't talk to me She's a little lost girl in her own little world She looks so happy but seems so sad ah ah oh yea oh oh yea She's a little lost girl in her own little world I'd like to help her I'd like to try ah ah oh yea oh oh yea She talks to birds she talks to angels She talks to trees she talks to bees She don't talk to me Talks to the rainbows and to the seas She talks to trees She don't talk to me Don't talk to me.... I like the song, but had put it on a mixed CD for The Sister because it seemed like her. She would talk to rainbows and she does talk to trees.
However, she doesn't seem sad & she will talk to males. (Also of note, neither of us would talk to angels because they're creepy). So, the incident in question was that The Sister and I went to eat Mexican food the other evening. Our waiter was odd. It's not odd that he was Mexican, but it was slightly odd that he looked like all the stone reliefs and drawings of Aztec people. We don't see that much around here. They don't have that nose, that feature. But that's not the really odd part. So, in a way he resembled the Aztec version of a white guy I used to know. The only guy I ever fell in love with. And he kept being all smiles when looking at me or talking to me. Not very smiley with The Sister. At one point, it felt like I was being stared at. A lot. I look up and notice a group of waitstaff at the cash registers and he's there, staring and smiling at me. Now, this could be one of two things. It's either, "Damn, she's sooo beautiful!" or "Damn, look at that piggy girl eat!" If I were any other girl (or most girls, I'm assuming) I would think it was the first one. It really did seem like he liked something about the way I looked and wasn't merely making fun of me for my weight. However, I've been made fun of for my weight on numerous and numerous occasions and considering that it seemed like he was talking with his work mates and looking at me, they could have all been making fun of me. Or if I was that other girl again, it could be that he was gushing over me to his work mates. It's not like I was eating like a pig from a feeding trough. I have very excellent table manners. I had dripped Carinta Taco Mexicana on the front of my shirt though. Two small blobs. When I noticed that is when I realized I was being stared at, which lends to the thought that I was being made fun of. This post isn't about being made fun of. I didn't care. If they were, I would have thought, 'Go fuck yourselves.' and finished my meal. It only came into play because it might have been a possibility (& though I don't have time for that and don't care, I also don't want to be stared at to death). But, since I was being stared at to death, I couldn't figure out which scenario it was. There was another time at a Mexican restaurant and The Sister and my friend were all, "Our waiter was totally into you!" & the time that a car full of hispanic men (I'm assuming they were Mexican, but I, of course, don't know) drove by me and the passenger practically hung out his open window telling me how fine I was and that he wanted me to have his babies. So, am I attractive, at least to some, Latin American men? I have no idea. But you see my conundrum. It could be either reaction. He was really cute, our waiter. Part of me while thinking he might think I was attractive, thought that I should smile back or do this flirting thing people speak of. But that's not really an entanglement that I wish to get into. It is wrong to make assumptions, but generally as a group, men of Latin American countries want babies with their marriages. They are looking to follow the age old tradition of making offspring. Sure he could be different, but in a Mexican restaurant it's generally always Mexican people and a family member comes here, opens the business and then gets his relatives into the states and gets them working at the business. Generally those people to follow are like-minded people. It would be like finding a needle in a haystack or a unicorn to find a community oriented Mexican man who didn't want marriage and babies. That's not a thing I want. I definitely do not want to be pregnant or birth babies or rear children. I also don't cotton to the idea of marriage. I'm always wary of dating or being in a relationship because I'm settled and I like knowing what I know and not dabbling into that particular unknown. So, I didn't reciprocate or do the flirting thing. I couldn't see myself dating this guy, not because he wasn't white (because I know it runs across people's minds), but because dating is an unknown that I don't want to deal with and babies are not my thing. It's not that it would result in babies, necessarily, but my mind always jumps ahead to the possible and plausible conclusions. If I were that type of girl interested in dating and possible marriage and babies, I totally would have wanted to go out with him, or do the flirting thing or give my number (which I don't have, but we're also imagining that I'm someone else; someone that I'm not). So I do have resting bitch face and do seem sad a lot, just from facial features. I am sad sometimes. I'm never sad about the lack of partner, marriage, and babies though. I used to be, because I was brainwashed to think that if I couldn't land a man, or get married, or start producing babies by the time I was in my early twenties, then I was a failure. It didn't have to be my mom intimating these thoughts, though it was. It is just about everyone in the south eastern US. All the older women nudging these ideas into the brains of girls. I used to get really upset that no one seemed to want me, because it meant I was a failure. But then I had to think about my true feelings and not the poisoned first thoughts. The idea of having a significant other, deep down filled me with dread. It was akin to going to a potluck dinner and all those smells commingling, when they shouldn't, and making me feel nauseated. And I had to think back to my feelings as a small child. When all the little girls had already grabbed hold of these ideas and were playing wedding or designing their dream weddings. I wanted none of it. I wanted to play explorer like Indiana Jones or pretend I was Mowgli from The Jungle Book. Or they wanted to play babies and hold baby dolls just so and feed them and change them and put them down for naps. My idea of kids was I wanted to have them when I thought that they'd really just be my younger sibling; someone I could create and piece together from a catalogue of baby parts (skin tones, eye colour, etc) and the stork would deliver it. A playmate. When I found that it would be my child and not my sibling and I couldn't create it that way and there was no magical stork and I'd have to breed it like some alien, I abandoned that idea with horror. So in my younger years, before the poison set in, I knew who I was and what I wanted and what I didn't want. Then I lost my way and would be consumed with sorrow over ideas that weren't my own. I've regained that now and no longer feel sad to not have these things that I never really wanted in the first place. It's not that I think marriage and babies are something evil, they're not. They're just not for me. Also, I'm reminded of Mona Lisa Smile where most of the girls were just following the motions of how they'd been trained; so they were just at University until someone proposed and they could do the "normal" thing of settling down with someone and having kids. One girl however had thought it out and listened to herself. She really did want to be a mother and wife and not go to law school. It's what she wanted. Another girl followed the motions, but it wasn't what she wanted and she then followed her path. People can get married and have babies all they want, but it's sad to me when people simply follow the motions and don't think for themselves. Simply doing what was done before because it's expected, not realizing if it's right for the individual. And for goodness sake if you do think it's right for you to marry and have kids, you don't have to listen to the idea that it has to be done between the ages of 17 and 22! You don't have to be a kid. This isn't 1782, ya know! Neither choice makes one a lesser person. Just make the choice for you and not your parents or grandparents or dead ancestors or people at church or people two states away that you don't know. Don't follow the collective merely because you think you have to. So while I do talk to bees and trees and the seas and I seem sad, it's not over that, and no I won't talk to you of you are someone who seems interested in me romantically, because that's not for me, and what's the point in leading you somewhere you can't go? Also, I do know my own mind, though people have questioned me for years on that point. And in this I do know because I remember & I'm listening to my gut feelings and not just my head or what's been put into there. So there's no, "Aww... but you'll find someone someday" or "You'll be a good mom, it'll happen." because you can keep all that. I mention it because even when I tried listening to my gut and stating how I felt, people would always want to quip up with these rhetorics to keep me hopeful. I don't need hope for a partner or a marriage or babies. There are so many other things I wish to do and learn and spend my time knowing than those things. When I really say they aren't for me, I'm not lamenting and hoping to be molly-coddled with some sort of strange pep-talk. For me, personally, I'm dodging some bullet here. I'm stating the truth; my truth. It feels good to be this kind of free. I don't miss it and I'm not looking for it and I don't want it. So, the song is correct. No, I won't talk to you.
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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