I'm currently dealing with being a human. That might, or might not, seem like a strange statement. However, I do often find myself slowly slipping out of my human-ness and looking at things from a different perspective, and then honestly wonder how I've survived this long on Earth. Let me explain. So, first off I'm bleeding. As in it's my month. As in I'm a girl doing girl things. But that's the thing. I don't think I know how to girl very well. Is it because girls are supposed to be taught how to girl, and I simply wasn't really? Or is it that girls already know how to girl... and I'm not a girl?
Sometimes I really do think about things like this. OK, perhaps more than merely sometimes. I feel like I either spent my last lifetime as a man or else I'm just an alien whose posing as a human girl, only I forgot. Right before I'm about to start and I become emotional or agitated or anything having to do with my cycle getting all crazy and my body getting ready to bleed... well, I never know what's happening. It's like every month it's all brand new. "What the hell is happening to me?" It doesn't ever cross my mind that I'm about to start my period until I start spotting and then I'm all, "Oh, for christ's sake. It's just this mess again... *sigh*" Do other girls forget that they'll be having a period? Is that normal? Like every single month for the past twenty six years forget? I'm inclined to think that's a no. At least it's not a normal thing for all the other girls I know. They know so much that some of them know exactly what their cycle is doing throughout the entire month, even if they're not trying for a baby; or they'll always know the quippy things to say and what things about their bodies mean. Like they know when Aunt Flow will be visiting and they just know they're having PMS and don't think something other worldly is happening. If I cry over some show or even spilt milk, I can't think past 'this doesn't normally happen' and wonder what's wrong. All the other girls practically shout out "PMS!" while raising their hands. It's just instinctive, I think. Seems like all the other girls know all the signs of bleeding like they have a car computer installed. You know the one that says "Door Ajar" or "Fuel Low". They all have one that flashes "Tampon Full" or "Leakage Imminent" or "Cramps to Commence in 3... 2... 1...", I suppose behind their eyelids and alls well. I don't know how to sign up for one of those car computers, but I need one. I'll try to tackle this bleeding thing and use the proper size tampon and go about my business. Then one of two things happens pretty much 90% of the time. I have fantom leakage. I don't know if that's a real thing, but it is for me. I'll be 100% positive that I'm bleeding out. Like a stuck pig. I have visions that as soon as my pants are down there will be a river of blood running down my legs. I just know that my tampon has somehow become over full and I didn't change it in time. I'll go to the loo and... absolutely nothing has happened. There's no spotting, much less rivers of blood. My tampon isn't full and there's no signs of any other types of moisture that would register against my skin as blood leaking out. So what the hell is that about? The other thing that happens is that everything feels fine and dandy down there, nothing amiss at all. I have to pee and I go to the loo and as soon as my pants are down there's blood everywhere. Oh ho! And you might think that I should ignore it when it seems like I'm leaking, and check when it seems like things are fine. And you'd think that's a good idea, because I did too, but it doesn't work like that apparently. I feel like my body's just fucking with me. Like it would laugh, if it could, over all the troubles it causes. I feel like I'm handling all this girl bleeding about as well as some guy who was suddenly turned into a girl. Imagine them (or you if you're a guy reading this and if you are, Kudos? Or should I say Weird? Because I don't know...) trying to handle that. I don't think a guy could handle living my body during my month. I'm not the girl that barely bleeds for like half a day (y'all are out there, I know). No, I'm the girl that bleeds heavily for seven days straight. Or I was. Things are changing since I'm getting older, but I still bleed a lot. That's a hell of a period to get thrown into if you don't know anything about such things, right? I remember being a teenager and I would dream of rivers of blood and wake up in the morning and I had started and it looked like a crime scene photo from a Jack the Ripper murder. I'm not even kidding. I didn't know anyone could bleed that much. And while I have gotten better about keeping things clean (and I mean things, not myself), just imagine a teenage boy suddenly waking up one day and having a period. About how well do you think that would go? I'm betting you answered something like "Terribly" and you'd be right. I honestly don't know how it would happen and it didn't happen to other girls (I know I asked), but I'd go to the bathroom to change my pad and somehow once I was done the bathroom would be covered in blood like a miniature war had happened in there. Or the Texas Chainsaw Massacre had just happened. And I'm betting that a teenage boy would have handled things pretty much the same way really. And I know there are girls out there who revel in the "power" of bleeding. They're either claiming the power to create life and are therefor more awesome than guys or are else worshipping mother moon and "watering" their house plants with it. That's fine and all, you do you. But for me? I do think it's kind of cool that women bleed and don't die and men can't do that, like it's some secret club that most men can't even fathom. But really, I just find it to be nuisance. I suppose I'm grateful, because it really is regulating things in my body so that I stay healthy. All my woman parts are really. But considering that I'm bleeding and it's still a big mess it's bothersome. Also because all people can think about is that working woman parts equates being able to have babies, and well babies are the last thing on my mind. I've never wanted to be a mother. When I learned that I couldn't choose a tiger kitten out of a catalog and have the stork deliver it like in that cartoon, I decided that I wanted no part of actually birthing a baby. I don't hate children or babies, but I do also feel like a man in that department. I couldn't imagine being pregnant, carrying a baby, or birthing it, and I also don't want to take care of one. I've wished for grey hair since I was four, and as soon as I learned about vaginal births and also menopause then I've been wishing for menopause. It, like my grey hair, couldn't get here soon enough. Man or Alien you decide? Every time I'm overly hot, I secretly pray that it's a hot flash so I can get this fertility over with. Which I think all of that sounds like I'm highly active sexually and just don't want to use contraception. I'm not sexually active at all, mainly because I'm terrified of getting pregnant, but also just for reasons but they're not why I want to move past womanhood. It's the fertility thing, man. It creeps me out that I'm fertile. Makes me sound like the fertility goddess's of old. I may look like them, but it doesn't mean I want to be that. I don't want to be this thing that can be seeded and grow new humans. If someone has to make things grow, I'd rather make the thing grow than be the one growing it. Again, Man or Alien, y'all?! I don't like that I'm considered some weird depository or that I'm supposed to be ripe for planting or that I have "big ole birthin' hips" like all I am is some baby making machine. Or that this is told to me. Screamed at me even from a slowly moving car. Well, not those words, but it was screamed at me that some guy wanted me to have his babies. Not baby, which is creepy enough, but babies. Umm, no. I don't even see the point of breasts. Yes, they're to feed babies. Babies that I don't plan on having. It is kind of cool that I have thighs that could crack a walnut though, simply because I'm a woman and they're strong so that I could carry a belly full o baby. And it's interesting that I have fat protecting my woman parts, because that's how women are made. But those things are interesting from a far removed and scientific stance. Almost like I'm studying women and think, "Ah-ha! Now that is fascinating! Hey, that's me, I have that! Well that's kind of cool." Wouldn't this be what a guy or an alien would think? They wouldn't want the bleeding or the babies or all that it entails? Yes, at least 90 - 95% of the male population as I do understand there are men who actually want to raise babies. Because I'm not talking about spreading his seed around all willy nilly because it's apparently manly or that they want children, that they don't have to take care of, to carry on their seed and possibly family name. Which in a sort of closing brings me to Supernatural. Sam and Dean were talking about how they're in this cycle of it's the apocalypse, save the world, it's the apocalypse again, save the world again, and so on and so forth, and there's no time to just be. But isn't that life? There are things you have to do and do over and over again until you die. You have to eat and drink and go to the bathroom and sleep and bathe and wash your clothes, etc. You know, life. I think sometimes that I might be the only person who stops and pulls away and looks at the motions and thinks that it's predictable and monotonous. Not from depression either. I'm not depressed and lack any sort of will to keep up with all of it. No, it just gets boring sometimes. As in most of the time I'm questioning why I'm even on this planet having to go through all of this. I'll pee and then complain when I have to pee again, and again when I have to go again in another few hours. Or that I'm busy doing other things but my stomach is hungry. I don't feel like taking the time to eat. Not that I don't have time, which is what I hear from most humans. No I have the time to eat. I just don't want to because I just ate the night before or I'm busy. It's the same as "Why should I make my bed if I'll just muss it again later?" only one can go their entire life without making a bed, but one can't really forgo bathing or dental hygiene or eating or drinking or sleeping. Yet I never really hear people complaining about these things. They'll complain about having to clean the tub, but not taking yet another soak in it. They'll complain about the effort to prepare the food, but humans are all about the eating of food. It's not that I don't bathe or brush my teeth or eat, I do all of this. But it's like I remember a time when these were not things I needed to worry about. That part is definitely not Man, but would certainly classify as Alien, yes? So, that's where I am today. Not girling or humaning well at all. Wondering why things are so constant and monotonous.
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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