Too punny-kitsch? Especially since I've never read it? So, I'm not the marryin' kind of gal. Or rather I'm not the big fancy weddin' kind of gal. I'll get hitched someday if the right guy comes along, but I'm not too worried about it. But I do think on weddings from time to time. Mainly if I have to attend one, or god-forbid, to be in one. Also, if there's just something fun to look at online pertaining to these events. This post centers around both things. So a friend of mine, this older photography guy who won't photograph weddings incidentally, posted this thing about the worst vintage bridesmaids dresses. A lot of them were actually really bad, but there were six that I actually really liked. This is not the first image you'll see if you go to that link up there, but this is, hands-down, my ultimate favourite. You think I'm kidding. I would wear this as my wedding dress, if I had need of one. I love the print and the colours and the style is pretty cool. It's far better than their bouquets or the bride's dress. I like all of this for the early 60s look of it all. The bridesmaids, the maid of honour, the bride, the bouquets, the headpieces. There's nothing I don't like about these looks for a wedding, if one wants to go with the chic-er side of vintage/retro. This is the first photo that's shown at the link. I actually like the style, but would probably just choose one colour, or just two (yellow and green!), but the rainbow effect isn't bad. They're better than the bride's dress. I bet their like that blue 70s prom dress that I picked up at a thrift store so I could be Carrie that one Halloween. Some horrible fabric that doesn't breathe and can be a little itchy, but it's not strictly polyester. I like the style and the print. Both colours are nice, but I'm more a fan of the orange/red/pink scheme than the blue/violet/purple. Hell, I wish I had that warmer toned dress to just wear around. It's so pretty. I like these dresses too. I would totally have my bridesmaids wear these in my five minute little wedding play that's happening in my head just for the duration of this blog post. I love these dresses. I would wear this just out and about if I had one. However, the first commenter made me laugh! "Jimmy and I met when we both ordered a Tequila Sunrise at the bar..." I'm sure that's exactly what happened, since this bride chose this particular colour scheme. I've been to my fair share of weddings, and bridal showers, and baby showers and they're just not my thing. It's not like the statement some people make that someone's getting married and they aren't, so they can't share in someone's happiness. *waves hand like I'm shooing away a fly* It's not anything like that at all. It's like going to church. No one's more or less happy than I am, but I'm not religious so I find it boring and kind of a waste of my time. Weddings are about the same to me. Sure, I'm happy that someone I know found someone to be with, but the whole process of a wedding ceremony's just boring to me and is not something I'm interested in at all. I'm not very romantic, so over-shows of romanticism aren't my thing either. I'm not very French in that respect. How apparently if you stop and make-out on the street, the French (or perhaps it's just Parisians?) will watch you and think it's beautiful and how wonderful because l'amour and all that? Yeah, that's not me. It's fine if people want to make-out on the street, but I'm not going to think it's sweet. I'll think it's sweet about as much as I think your human baby is sweet. I wouldn't mind romantic gestures towards me by a guy I liked or was in love with. But nothing too flashy and certainly not all of the time (I'm definitely not the girl who wants rose petals strewn all over the house. Pick me some wildflowers and I'll give you hearts for eyes and we can call it a day). And I'd certainly never want a guy to propose to me... in public! That's just horrifying. He wouldn't even have to go to a lot of trouble, like fancy restaurant and hiding the ring. He could just really mean it and just ask me. I'd say yes to my guy in a heartbeat and I'd think it was romantic to the moon and back. He didn't have to work at the proposal and I didn't have to feel awkward with all the romantics or the public. No, I've pretty much already decided that if some guy and me fall in love and want to make it legal, that I'll wear my peridot and opal ring and he can wear this men's wedding band that I always wear. They were made by my dad, they're expensive rings and of excellent quality and are retro and they're cool, no one's worn them but me... and they're free! Unless the guy that I was going to marry just hated that idea, then he could buy new stuff, but I really wouldn't want anything flashy and no diamonds. I'm not fond of them. I also was never the girl to plan out her big, fancy show wedding since she was four. I figured I'd think on it to have a basic back-up plan should the need arise, but that was only after everyone and their mama asked me from the age of six to the age of thirty six. My answer for those people hasn't changed, as it's still, "Dunno..." to which they look at me like I've grown a green head from my neck. But, I do like to have plans laid out, whether I stray from them or not is not the important bit, just having a basic plan on things helps me sleep at night. Since I kept getting asked the question, I figured I'd think on it. Which is why I know what rings I'd like for us or what type of proposal, or that I'm not a completely weirdo for not being romantic. If I really wanted to go all out, I'd wear a vintage dress for our meeting with the Justice of the Peace, but that's a flight of fancy in my head, and I'm perfectly fine if I'm just wearing jeans and tank top. I don't really care. I'd be marrying the guy I love and it doesn't matter what we wear. I'd have to have some sort of party, I suppose, so that our closest friends and closest family could be there to congratulate us, because people like that sort of thing. My parents and The Sister, I know, would be crushed if they couldn't be there in some respect. So, really the small gathering would be for them and his family so they can be happy. Because I don't need a party for the guy I married. I feel like weddings (and their after parties) are like funerals. They're not for the person involved (the people getting hitched or the one that's dead), it's for all the other people to either celebrate or mourn. I've also been a bridesmaid in two weddings and I disliked the experience both times. There wasn't any getting out of it really without seeming like a bitch, so you do it. The first was probably 2002? I'm thinking? She wanted us in black and we could choose what it was as long as it was wedding appropriate obviously. I'm up there with the red arrow pointing to me. The Sister is standing next to me. She already hand fancy clothes, I did not. So we had to go out and purchase me some fancy pants and shoes (I did have a shirt that was nice enough). That was a weird wedding and for some reason the bride, our mutual friend, was telling me her bridesmaid/groom set up; like who would be paired with who, and they had twelve pairs, y'all. It was kind of a big wedding. Anyways, we owned a coffee house in our basement at the time and this is where she was telling me about the list. She had paired The Sister up with this guy who was literally stalking her. He was creepy and would always come into our coffee house and demand to see her and I had to bow up and make my 5'2" stature seem bigger and more menacing (which I guess isn't that difficult since I'm already a big girl) and tell him no. And I mean he was creepy because besides being angry and demanding he'd slying talk dirty about her. To me! Yeah, I wasn't going to allow that set up to continue. It was like the older guy that came in our coffee house and would lean over and look at The Sisters' ass if she was bent over cleaning. I would just silently walk over there and stand behind her so he had to look at my ass instead, which I knew he wouldn't want to do. It would break his eye contact without a word uttered from me, and I'd turn around glaring at him and he'd say, "Shiiiit" because I'd just fat girl ruined his gawking. Anyways, so I burst out with, "You can not put her with him. He stalks her. He's creepy. Put her with someone else. Whose the best looking guy you've got? OK, OK (insert fiancee's name here), but I mean out of the grooms men. Oh, just give me the list." She just looked at me, gaping, because I was taking over her wedding party list. Oh (insert guy I sorta knew), he's good looking and really nice, put her with him. He'll I'll pen it in for you." since ya know, she wasn't moving to made the written adjustment. Then I'd noticed she'd put me with this guy I barely knew, but a guy who detested me and would make snide, mean comments about me, to me, any chance he could. "We can't have this. (insert guy's name) hates me. Ooh, you're brother's really good looking, pair me with him." I should have just stayed with the guy she'd originally assigned for me. But, I really didn't want to be belittled for two days. And I was on the self-concious side then. No one seemed to find me attractive and if people were going to stare at me (because it's a lie that the people at a wedding aren't also noticing you as well as the bride, to see if you fuck up or fidget too much). But, it is true that they're not there to see how pretty you are, mostly. But I digress. I didn't want to be put with someone I felt was my unattractive equal, because it would just confirm to everyone that I was as unattractive as they thought. I feel kind of bad about that, mainly for myself, but I don't feel too badly because this guy was not a nice guy at all. He was an ass. It's not a shining time in my self-esteem, those days, but it is what it is and I can't go back and change it. I wasn't interested in her slightly older brother romantically, but he was, I felt, the best looking guy there. I was damned if I wasn't going to be with the most attractive person in that wedding party, which is ridiculous, but it's true. She just felt he was her stupid, dopey older brother, so she didn't care. But she did make it a point to tell him, a lot, that I'd requested him specifically; nay I demanded him as my wedding partner. I wouldn't find this out until the night of the rehearsal, when he's was all like, "Where's ma WOMAN! There ya are! Come here WOMAN!" He was joking, because he wasn't attracted to me. No really, I'm not putting myself down, I really wasn't his type. At all. I wasn't super tall, super skinny, nor wild. He just thought of me as his sisters friend and therefor kind of like a sister in a weird round-about-way. Or a cousin he never really saw, but someone he could rag and poke fun at. Only he kept screaming for "his woman" through the entire rehearsal, the pre-wedding line up and wedding the next day, and at the reception. I don't know which was worse. His woman callin' or if that other guy that disliked me had been hissing his hatred towards me under his breath for the same amount of time. The next time was several years ago. 2012, I think? It was awkward for several reasons. The bride, was my pen-pal whom I'd never met before. But she invited me to the wedding, paid for my bridesmaid dress that she ordered, and paid for the hotel room (her fiancé racked up room points because he traveled a lot, so a really nice gesture, but it wasn't putting them out at all, just so it's known), plus they were getting married only two hours west of me. You can't really say no, but I don't like being in the spotlight unless I'm feeling quirky and want to be in the spotlight. I'm kind of like a cat that way, I suppose. It was like in theatre. I can act pretty well, but I much prefer designing costumes or doing the make-up or being a general stage hand than being on the stage, because most of the time I'm just not feeling like being the dancing monkey for others' entertainment. Only if I feel like entertaining people, will I, which does happen, but yes, so I don't enjoy being out there like that, which you are if you are part of the wedding party. You're not the bride, but you're not an innocent by-stander either. So, I was going to have to be a bridesmaid, that's one. Two was that this would be the first time meeting my pen-pal. Everyone in her small-ish wedding party already knew everyone else, and I was the odd girl out. Awkward. Three is that I'm not good with fancy. I don't do fancy. I never went to dances or to prom or Mardi Gras balls or anything else like that. I can be quick on my feet with fixes in certain situations, but this isn't one of those times. So, I had her order a size and took it to a friend of ours to see if it needed adjusting. I tried the dress with and without a bra. "Just buy a bra where the top of it or the straps don't show and you'll be fine. It's not big enough to warrant altering." We purchased the bra. It's the day of the wedding and I'm changing and her soon to be mother in law is all, "You don't need a bra, the dress looks fine. I'm not wearing one! None of the other girls are." It's because the bra I had purchased was showing a little at the top, even though I'd taken the dress with me for when I tried it on in the store to be sure. I didn't understand why it was different today than another day. I just didn't have my head about me to make a decision of this sort, especially since... Also, the bride had said I didn't need to be there early and could show up at 10. But her sister and her maid of honour had been leaving messages on my phone since 7 am wondering where the hell I was. Only no one had bothered to inform me, a member of the wedding party, of the meeting time the night before and all I got was the official word from the bride herself, to be there at 10 am. So we can count this as number four (and as a result, her soon to be uncle in law, the photographer glared at me the entire day, so that's number five). So, I was already frazzled because it turned out the bride didn't know shit and I was holding up the whole wedding party pictures and rehearsal, because I hadn't shown up at 8 am, and was still finagling with my dress. The Sister went to this wedding with me, but she wasn't in there with me while I was trying to get dressed and think through this curve ball. So, I skipped the bra. It was a terrible mistake. There was nothing like an awards show fiasco or anything thankfully, but I'm a girl that needs a bra, and the dress wasn't as fitted as either it had been at first (could it have been possible that I had lost some weight?! because our friend is an excellent seamstress and doesn't mince words. If it had needed altering, she would have said so and she would have done it.) or else we were entirely wrong about its fit. I don't know. But I was constantly fidgeting with the material up there to keep myself covered and everything in. Men were staring at my chest because it just made everything look so porno-ish and ample. I'm probably over-stating, but my chest was kind of in your face, so to speak. It was embarrassing. And once I'd made the decision and left the changing area it was too late, as I'd been snatched up and away by members of the wedding party. I'd made the wrong call entirely. (You can tell that they're not nearly as harnessed in as I'd have liked them, or which would have been mixed company, or even wedding appropriate.) Point six. Point seven was that even though it was October, in southern Alabama it was still extremely hot. We sweated. A lot. But I don't think anyone looked as sweaty or unclean as me (perhaps we all looked bad and it wasn't just me). So, everyone looked OK for the photo's but everyone was a frizzy, red-faced, hot mess for the actual ceremony. They were not horrible outfits, though there was some slightly calamitous effects with the second one. It's just that I suppose the bride feels you should be there to celebrate their choice in husband, that I, as their friend, should feel honoured that I was even asked to be part of the wedding party, but I simply find it a tedious headache to be a part of the circus that is a wedding.
I also don't care about the whole hulla-baloo with wedding traditions like throwing the garter belt for the men to catch or the bouquet for the women to catch. The first dance of the couple or them feeding each other cake or people giving speeches and toasts. I gathered with other females for a chance at the bridal bouquet once. I was thirteen. I caught it. It was slightly amusing. The girl next to me pouted and I just threw it to her. I didn't care, I was just thirteen, feeling brazen, and wanted to know what the fuss was about. You can have it. It's a weird tradition. Which brings me back to a post I've written before. Because I do not mind learning about wedding ceremonies or traditions from other cultures and countries, and even find them interesting and I wouldn't mind attending in person. So, is it just that I detest anything American's do? Or do I really and truly just find our stuff boring because it is? Would I find an Indian wedding to be boring and cliché, if I'd been born in India and had attended several? I feel like it could be the person who likes "exotic" people simply because they're different from their everyday and it's some weird power play, because they don't really care about the "exotic" people. I would hate for this to be the answer, so of course I'm hoping it's not. I don't want to be that shallow. I may have thought about this marriage stuff and made a basic plan, such as it were, but this conundrum is something I still haven't yet figured out.
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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