This post... is not what you think it is. You're probably thinking about a female literally becoming a male. No, this is really a case of "I'm not really a man, I just play one on TV" sort of deal. Still confused? Follow me & I'll explain! There are always reasons that people have for not using pictures of themselves online as their user pictures or avatars. I'm not exception. Some people use cartoon characters or random bits of art. I use men, mostly. I don't know why, but it's something I've always done since first logging on and needing a photo. I could use pictures of females, and I have on occasion, but mainly I go for male representation. Why? I'm not really sure. I've always been drawn to men. I mean, yes, I'm drawn to men in an attraction sort of way, but I'm also just drawn to men in a weird way. Most time in films and television, I never choose a female that I'd be if I were a character, I choose a male. One could say that I might identify more with being a male and probably should actually identify as male. However, I know that I don't belong to the Man Club, but that of the Woman Club. I like being a female. Perhaps I'm just drawn to past lives where I was a man? So, how have I been represented in an online presence? Well, Pee-Wee Herman dressed as a nun from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is my current user picture online. I also cycle through the following photos when the mood strikes. Tor Johnson from Plan 9 From Outerspace The goofy boy from the Welcome To The Internet meme The Lone Gunmen from The X-Files & The Lone Gunmen Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite Hamish MacBeth from Hamish MacBeth Captain Kirk from the I'm So Awesome meme Lord Thranduil from the Hipster Thranduil meme Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi This dapper gentleman whose selfish with the petrol (& Phantom Hitler) from a WWII era US propaganda poster Now this cat is not really the point, however, some guy (not from the US) hit on me, because he thought it was my masculine arm in the photo. At least that's what he claimed. This knight sacrificing himself to a dragon I did mention that I've used photo's of females before. There are two. They're rarely ever used when I cycle through user pics. A still of Ruth Buzzie looking a lot like my maternal aunt (& looking like she's about to say "Fuck!") from That Girl This woman playing with sock puppets I tried using both of these photos of myself at some point, but they only stayed up a day and then I switched them out because it felt... weird. (Horrible on purpose) and hilarious (to me) photo that I put through some app that makes you look beautiful The also hilarious (to me) photo where I was using charcoal tooth paste for the first time Obviously you might be thinking, "Well yeah, those pictures of you are terrible user pictures to use!" It's what The Sister said. She wants to me to use something more glamorous (& honestly only how I look if The Sister poses me "perfectly"). It's true though. I find them hilarious, but they're weird representations of me. But then... isn't choosing a picture of a man to hide behind more weird? That's what it is. I'm hiding behind images of men. I don't pretend to be a man online or anything, but nine times out of ten, I am visually a man. It feels safe. It feels comfortable. It's like coming home and putting on cozy pyjama's. It's weird and I don't understand it. It just is. It's not that I feel unsafe as a female from unwanted male advances or creepster guys. Nothing of the sort. That rarely happens to me. Most of the time men see me as one of the guys or a table lamp... or else they don't see me at all. I've had weird times as a girl, with men acting superior and all that, but fuck 'em. No, I'm not sure why it feels safe to be a man. It's not even like I try to hide, in other ways, that I'm a female. My name online isn't masculine; no, I'm Sarah Katherine. But, I have chosen, much to the chagrin of others the filing version. Ya know where it's the last name first, then the first name followed by the middle. So online, I'm Roberts Sarah Katherine. Why? Because it's reminiscent of the filing system and it's fun. Though perhaps people could see Roberts and their brain could interpret it as Robert, I don't know. Being a man was not the case with the name like it is with user pictures, I do know that. The Sister would prefer if I used one of these photos. The first one preferably, but the second will do. It's not like they've been edited (the second was just low, bad lighting), so my eyes really are that colour in the first one. It's just that the first is so glamour shot-y and it feels fake. I don't go around looking like that. I hardly wear make-up and I don't make some weird "come hither" face. Also both of these pictures are ten years old. I don't have long hair anymore. It's nit-picky, I suppose. I don't look like this anymore. I do, you'd recognize me today from these photos. But these are of a 28 year old, not a woman who's almost 40. You'll see me looking more like this most of the time. Big difference, right? I make goofy faces non stop (not on purpose, I just happen to make goofy faces). Oh! And I haven't worn contacts for almost a year. So, now it's these glasses all day, every day.
It feels like a lie to use one of the photo's that The Sister wants me to use. I know that person is part of me and you could see her from time to time, but that's not the skin that I occupy on a daily basis. I don't feel like I fit in that skin. Regardless though, it still feels weird to use a photo of myself, or one even of a woman. I'm not even ashamed of me or how I look or anything. It's difficult to describe. It just feels better to be represented by a picture of a guy (or guys).
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AuthorA girl from South Mississippi who finds herself in exploration. Archives
November 2019
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